U-G-L-Y You Ain't Got No Alibi

Remember when you were a kid and braces were the epitome of cool? Braces were the ultimate sign of extreme teenagerness in my preteen world. I used to take paperclips, unhinge them and walk around with them in my mouth as pseudo braces. So when I found out I actually needed braces, my 10 year old world was rocked. Not only did I get full on brace-face, I was also fitted for headgear.

Little did I know that there is a very fine line between braces and headgear and their respective acceptance in elementary school. I was told that I only had to wear my headgear at night, but in my mind I thought all things orthodontia would sky rocket my lukewarm popularity into oblivion. So why wouldn't I bring out the big guns for all my classmates to fawn over? Imagine my utter shock and dismay when I waltzed into to school wearing this . . .

and nobody wanted to sit next to me. I also got the distinct impression that people were laughing at me, not with me. Couldn't they understand I was ALMOST A TEENAGER with all this metal in my face? Why couldn't they just see that!??! At first recess I wore my headgear on the monkey bars and whilst doing a lemon drop, I bonked the side of my head against one of the bars causing my headgear to jam up inside my mouth so that I didn't even have the choice of removing it because it was all stuck in my jaw! I remember seeing my childhood crush (Todd Emblem who was 2 years older than I was and one of my brother's best friends) playing kickball and he wouldn't even make eye contact with me. That stupid day was the longest school day everrrrr. After school I had to go see my creepy orthodontist, Dr. Watson, just to get that stupid thing off my freaking face.

Things didn't get much better once puberty set in.

Mock turtleneck - Check

High waisted culottes - Cheque

Ridiculous perm - Checkers

Cocker Spaniel-esque bangs - Checkmate

80's white super cinched belt - Checkedy Check Check

"You're not fat, you're just chunky" can-do attitude - Check-oslovakia

(Let's go in for a close-up, shall we?)

Seriously, could I cinch those culottes up any higher?

And ever heard of the T-Zone Leslie? Maybe look into it pronto.